On an off note (yes already ;P) I want to say that the title of this post terrifies me. I hate the phrase “stuck in a loop.” You guys can owe your thanks to Sidloki on that one. It was a phrase I heard while in the midst of a very intense trip. I ended up saying at least 20 times in a minute that the trip was so crazy and I was stuck in a loop, and then finally forgot about it when I accadentally knocked over a salt shaker on our wooden table. The sight of the salt seemed to be trying to tell me something, and I was in rapture of it, and the way it moved. I was out of my loop for that entire time I sat there, talking as quickly as I could to my boyfriend (who sat there with his eyes lit up at my intake of the knowledge he had been trying to teach me) about karma and being and how the salt was beautiful because It wasn’t actually there.
Thats the wonder of it. Here I was, so so deep into this loop, to the point where I was saying REPEATEDLY that I was in a loop, and suddenly, when i saw the salt, I was out. Because that salt captured me, I had accepted the universes weird way of teaching a lesson and I had found my moment of peace in accepting that lesson. And there I was, standing apart from the loop like I had never stepped in in the first place.
Last night, as i lay in bed on the verge of tears over my botched hair dye job, I had an epiphany. It started when I realized that I was crying over hair. Hair! I mean it was ridiculous. Yes, it looks terrible, but It doesnt define or change me. I am a soul in a body. My hair is a material thing. It doesnt matter.
And then I figured I would try a sort of intention workshop, only in a different aspect than what I was taught.
What about my hair was so important? Well, it reflected my apperance.
Why did I care about my appearance? I wanted to be beautiful.
Why did being beautiful matter to me? …………………………………………
I was stumped. I had no damned clue. No fucking idea why I had spent my entire life wanting to look like some pre determined picture of what beautiful was.
And then I realized. I have many problems in my life right now. But I only have ONE problem in me. One thing that needed to change so that everything could fall back into place.
My endless loop begins with my Ego. My god my ego is so swollen and large it takes over my being. You wouldnt beleive it talking to me, youd say “but youre so down on yourself, youre so self conscious” and I would laugh.
My ego is swollen because I think im entitled. I think its ALLLLLL about me. Im greedy. Here the universe has offered me the greatest gifts in the world, enlightenment, a place aside from the sheep, a beautiful man by my side and a miracle of a child in my stomache. And what do I do? I ask for more. “I want my roomates to stop pissing me off. I want my house to stop getting messy. I want my boyfriend to understand me more. I want my hair to look good. I want to be pretty.” I mean fuck, I sound like an overgrown child sometimes!
I am not content with just being, the one thing I stressed so adamantly to myself that day while tripping. Something was telling me that THIS, right here and now was going to happen, and I was going to have to make a choice.
And so I choose to accept things. I choose to look in the mirrror later and smile at my goofy hair. I choose to kiss my boyfriend and accept that he may not completely understand me, but he does completely love me. I choose to meditate, to find somewhere beautiful, to accept that life just is, and that It will all be okay.